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Last updated: 04/17/2003

Submit your favorite things to share like jokes, tall tales, funny stories, cartoons, great links, fun games, etc.  Something that will make us laugh or think.  The more laughter we have in our lives, the healthier we will become, according to recent studies.  So, let's get some laughter going.  Submit

First, THE WAR.....We send our love and prayers to our American troops....

WAR - SERIOUS  

Excellent War Slide Show

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 Iraqi Freedom Week

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

Operation Iraqi Freedom

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

  
 

Please visit the Department of Defense web page below and sign in thanking the men and women of the U.S. military services for defending our freedom.  The compiled list of names will be sent out to our soldiers at the end of the month.  So far, there are about 6.5 million names.  Lets help increase that support.  The entire exercise takes 10 seconds

<http://www.defendamerica.mil/nmam.html> DefendAmerica News -

Courtesy of Bob Beall

 
WAR - FUNNY  

Baghdad Bob

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 What time is it?

Courtesy of Tom Madigan & Suzanne

Driving in Iraq

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 Bin Ladin

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Saddam look-alikes

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

The good news is Saddam is still alive.

The bad news is he lost an arm.

Courtesy of Bob Beall

 Oh, Canada!

Finally, Canada takes a stand!
It was announced today that Canada is now prepared to help the US in its war against terrorism. They have promised to commit 2 of their largest battleships, 6000 armed troops and 60 fighter jets. However, after the exchange rate, that comes down to a canoe, 2 Mounties and a flying squirrel.

Courtesy of Bob Beall
   
   

The Lord

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

 

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 The Sex of a Fly

 

A wife found her husband walking around in the kitchen with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

Courtesy of Bob Beall

HOW WELL DO YOU REMEMBER?

Don't try this on anyone under 30.....
1. "Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your _____________.
" 2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune in;________________."
3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?"Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind. "What did he leave behind? ________________.
4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll. One of the most memorable folk songs included these lyrics: "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone.  You're the reason I'm traveling on, _______."
5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were known as the ________________.
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the _________show.
7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning our _____________.
8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane. What was the name of Dick and Jane's dog?______
9. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the VW. What other name(s) did it go by? _________ & __________
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the _________and the __________.
11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists "hippies." But in the early sixties, they were known as ________________.
12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always seemed to get the short end of the stick in the television program, "The Life of Riley."   At the end of each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a _______________."
13. "Get your kicks, ________________."
14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed________________."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way:________________.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, __________."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller - the one that contained all the "dirty" dialogue - was called _________.
18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around with a calculator strapped to their belts. But back in the sixties, members of the math club used a _________.
19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about "the day the music died."  This was a reference and tribute to ______.
20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the front seat of a convertible.  The matching slogan was "Let Hertz ____."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ______.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best... _____."
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style of Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model ______.
24. Sachmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________.
25. On Jackie Gleason's variety show in the sixties, one of the most popular segments was "Joe, the Bartender." Joe's regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off- center, but lovable character, _______. (The character's name, not the actor's.)
26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called ________.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ____________.
28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ________________.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical ___________.
30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton's hobo character (not the hayseed, the hobo) was __________.  Red ended his television show by saying,"Good night, and __________."

(Want the answers?) Scroll Down.................  







                     THE ANSWERS:
1. "Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb."
2. The "battle cry" of the hippies in the sixties was "Turn on; tune; in drop out." Many people who proclaimed that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders and corporate lawyers.
3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone Ranger without his mask!
4. "When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out your window and I'll be gone. You're the reason I'm traveling on; Don't think twice, it's all right."
5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic convention in Chicago in 1968 was known as the Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, "They would like me to mention their names."
6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.
7. Some who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their draft cards. If you said "bras," you've got the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I was watching.  The "bra burning" days came as a by-product of women's liberation movement which had nothing directly to do with the Vietnam war.
8. Dick and Jane's dog was Spot. "See Spot run." Whatever happened to them?  Rumor has it they have been replaced in some school systems by "Heather Has Two Mommies."
9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.
10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.
11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic beat- nik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but no beat.
12. At the end of "The Life of Riley," Chester would turn to the camera and exclaim, "What a revolting development this is."
13. "Get your kicks, on Route 66."
14. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent."
15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis a special way: shaken, not stirred.
16. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight."
17. That "adult" book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of Cancer.Today, it would get a PG-13 rating.
18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a slide rule.
19. "The day the music died" was a reference and tribute to Buddy Holly.
20. The matching slogan was "Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat."
21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under  a stick in a dance called the Limbo.
22. "N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best....chooo-c'late." In the television commercial, "chocolate" was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth flopping open and shut?)
23. In the late sixties, the "full figure" style gave way to the "trim" look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.
24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.  His name as  Louis Armstrong.
25. Joe's regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.
26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was called Sputnik.
27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex watch.
28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist was called the hula-hoop.
29. The "Age of Aquarius" was brought into the mainstream in the Broadway musical "Hair."
30. Red Skelton's hobo character was Freddie the Freeloader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the "hay seed.") Red ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and may God bless."

 Courtesy of Bob Beall

KIDS IN THE FIFTIES

Were you a kid in the Fifties or so? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something's shudder and say "Eeeew!"  But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself:

 

In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... And that was good.

 

The average annual salary was under $3,000...Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... And that was good.

 

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a five-year-old

to skate to the store and buy one... And that was good.

 

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... And that was good.

 

We didn't have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... And that was good.

 

Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins... But not Ms Becky or Mr.Dan. And that was good.

 

The only hazardous material you knew about...Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner... And that was good.

 

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the clothesline... And that was good.

 

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... So "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... And that was good.

 

Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not talk back..... and that was good.

 

TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color....And that was certainly good.

 

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... And the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs... And that was very good.

 

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard...And chickens behind the garage... And that was definitely good.

 

And just when you were about to do something really bad... Chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... Or the nosy old lady from up the street... Or your little sister's piano teacher... Or somebody from Church... ALL of whom knew your parents' phone number...And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ REMEMBER....

 

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!  And was it really that long ago?


Courtesy of Bob Beall & Tom

 
Have you ever been this tired?

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 Science - Interesting....

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

HOW WE TREAT PEOPLE

Five lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello".

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain One night, at 11.30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 -year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table.

A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was
going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.



"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."

NOW more than ever - Peace...May God bless you Pass It On.....Pay It Forward


 Courtesy of Bob Beall

  

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI - Iraq Ambassador
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even
have a chicken.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome.
Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take?
Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No-one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay - isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side".

DR SUESS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having
their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the
chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. -and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Courtesy of Bob Beall		  
   
This is a trip - try it

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 NASA reports 'Strange Clouds' from Space Station

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
25 Witticisms

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own pants.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I asked, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of  them get elected.

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead's.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.  But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!.

15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

21. How come we choose from just two people running for president and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Important Rules To Live By

With war in Iraq almost upon us, the Armed Services have been updating some of their most basic rules and regulations, in order to keep the troops at their fightin'est peak... Here then, are the Rules Of Engagement for the U.S. Marine Corps. USMC Rules for Gun Fighting:

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who survived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

9. Accuracy is relative. Most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on the "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of any gun.

10. Use! a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when someone pisses in the flintlock of your musket."

11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

13. Have a plan.

14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. Know the difference.

16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your flanks.

17. Don't drop your guard. Be suspicious of and alert to everything.

18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, but everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shots will be fired at you.

22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation but, when in doubt, empty the magazine
Courtesy of Tom Madigan
How Smart Are You

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 Bin Laden Liquors

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Depends where your from

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1.  You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

THE COST OF KIDS
  
  I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way.

  It's nice, really nice!!
  
  The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle-income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.  It anslates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day!  Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children if you want to be "rich."

  It is just the opposite. What do your get for your $160,140?
  
  1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
  2. Glimpses of God every day.
  3. Giggles under the covers every night.
  4. More love than your heart can hold.
  5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
  6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
  7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
 8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
  9 Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
  10. For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
  11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
  12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and
wishing on stars.  
13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
14. For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

16. You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.  

17. You get to be immortal.

18. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're  lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.  

19. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.  

20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God. You have  all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
  
ENJOY YOUR KIDS (AND GRANDKIDS!)

Courtesy of Bob Beall
  News in 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

 Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 Baby conceived naturally; scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
 
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
 
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
 
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
 
Celebrating Christmas now officially a felony, as it offends too many people.

 
Christmas Bears

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 Christmas - Flight 12-24

Courtesy of Suzanne Zazzi

White Trash Xmas

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 Christmas Cottage

Courtesy of Suzanne Zazzi

Lady Liberty Works

Courtesy of Juna Carle		 Christmas House

Courtesy of Suzanne Zazzi
Airplane Pilots

Courtesy of Bob Beall		 CA Quarter Design Concept Finalist Poll

Courtesy of Kathy Beall Frehner and Juna Carle
What a Wonderful World

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 Mensa Test

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Be Happy

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		  


CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED 

     Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 

     Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are 

     Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 

     Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me 

     Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......

      Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

      Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an  Open Fire

      Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

      Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells....(better start again)

      Passive-Aggressive Personality -- On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

      Borderline Personality Disorder -- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom
was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas
Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely
tree?  Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
Courtesy of Tom Madigan

You Know You're Living In The Year 2003 When:

01. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have a e-mail address.

02. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

03. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

04. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

05. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

06. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

07. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.

08. Using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase, would be a hassle and take planning.

09. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

19. You're reading this.

20. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. !!!!!!!

Courtesy of Bob Beall

Rules

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand The Rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.   Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

 Here is a guide to the points system:

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party............0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..............-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer......................................-10
With breast implants...................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday......................0
You buy a card and flowers......................0
You take her out to dinner........................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.........................................................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...................-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the color of your favorite team......................................................-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GUYS

Go with a pal....................................0
The pal is happily married................+1
The pal is single...............................-7
He drives a Ferrari..........................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)..................................-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes..................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..................+6
You take her to a movie you like....................-2
It's called Death Cop III.................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.........-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........................................................-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly..........-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly and you exercise to get rid of it.............................+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts......-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too".......................................................-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding.........................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass."..-100
Any other response............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a concerned expression.......0
You listen, for over 30 minutes...................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.................................................+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?"................................................-100
You have fallen asleep................................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk....................................................-100
You don't talk............................................-150
You spend time with her.............................-200
You don't spend time with her.....................-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.............-1,000

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
How To Bathe A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift the lid and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry it to bathroom
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close the lid, and stand on top so cat cannot  escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet three or four times.  This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift the lid.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outdoors where it will air dry.

Sincerely,
the Dog

Courtesy of Bob Beall

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?  Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?  Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
    
The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Courtesy of Bob Beall

Old Enough to Remember

Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game before Whoppie) will appreciate these.  They are from the old Hollywood Squares shows in the 70's when the show's responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. 

Q: If you are going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? 

A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 

Q: True or false .  .  .  a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. 

A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes.
 

Q: You have been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A: Don Knotts: That is what has been keeping me awake.
 

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he is really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he is married? 

A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
 

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish, as you get older? 

A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say, "I love you"? 

A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? 

A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter .  .  .  and I will give you a gesture you will never forget!
 

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 

Q: Charley, you have just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to get any during your first year? 

A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter.  I am too busy growing strawberries!
 

Q: In bowling, what is a perfect score? 

A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.  One is politics.  What is the other? 

A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 
 

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.  
 

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! 
 

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant 


Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb .  .  .  can you detect light? 

A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

Airline Humor

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

---------------------------------------------

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant staff, the pilot said: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and I'll be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

---------------------------------------------

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business, as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---------------------------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

----------------------------------------------

From a Southwest Airlines employee:  "Welcome aboard our Southwest  Flight .  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

----------------------------------------------

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs If you are traveling with more than one small child, choose your favorite."

----------------------------------------------

"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

----------------------------------------------

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore, and take them with our compliments."

----------------------------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message:

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best
flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight!"

----------------------------------------------

On Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said:  "That was quite a bump, and I know what ya'll are thinking.  You're thinking that I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt!"

----------------------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing:  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

----------------------------------------------

An airline pilot had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required him to stand at the door, smile and give the passengers a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline," while they exited. In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except
for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said:
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

----------------------------------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

----------------------------------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today, and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube hope you'll think of US Airways."

----------------------------------------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:  "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.  OH, MY GOD!"  Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"  A passenger in Coach shouted:  "That's nothing.  He should see the back of mine!"

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE:


10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"        - Noah, 4314 BC


9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"        - Pythagoras, 126 BC


8th -"You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"        - Michelangelo, 1566


7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"        - Custer, 1877


6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
        - Picasso, 1926


5th -"Where the @#$% are we?"
        - Amelia Earhart, 1937


4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."        - Einstein, 1938


3rd - "What the @#$% was that?"
        - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head."
        - JFK, 1963


And, the Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

        "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
        - Bill Clinton, 1997

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 GOD LOVES BLONDES.

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.  She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and  she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me?  I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I have always been a good servant to You.  PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a govern-ment grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and should not have to be
subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of common chickens.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it -- the "other side." Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of
crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

GEORGE W. BUSH
As a unproved attack of terrorism!

Courtesy of Tom Madigan		 Don't mess with mothers....


My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.

Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?  It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."  It says I need not clean my room and I don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray. 

I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.

I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs
and kisses, that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.  That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C. S .D.

Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door.  But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.  I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.

A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.  I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C. S. D. who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.

I've cancelled that appointment to take your driver 's test.

The C. S. D. is unconcerned, so I'll decide what 's best.

I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.  And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.  Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.  We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.

He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?

"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.

The C. S. D. requires just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat.

That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights", it's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying?  Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C. S. D.?

Courtesy of Tom Madigan

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Courtesy of Tom Madigan


PREGNANCY, ESTROGEN AND WOMEN

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions. .
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:  1. OTHER WOMEN
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.
WE ALL NEED TO SMILE !!!!!!! :-)


Courtesy of Tom Madigan

 Cake or Bed?????


WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS. HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE HAVE A G. E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT. TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK. I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT
LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

Courtesy of Tom Madigan
Bricklayer's accident report

YOU JUST CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP...

Possibly the funniest story in a long while.

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.  This is a true story.  Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

Dear Sir:

"I'm writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form.  I put "poor Planning" as the cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.  When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly more than 500 pounds.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.  Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh
135 pounds.  Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.  This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed down slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers on my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds.  I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel beginning its journey back down onto me.  This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this is the type of explanation that you are looking for...

Courtesy of Suzanne Zazzi